A regulated nervous system: What is it?
I'm not the word police, but I do have concerns about a recent uptick in the use of the terms regulation and dysregulation. The concept of nervous system regulation is being thrown around with casual enthusiasm these days.
But what does regulation actually mean?
In the book Nurturing Resilience, Kain and Terrell describe regulation as, “a term used to describe our ability to manage our emotional state, to calm ourselves during times of heightened emotion—when we become fearful, deeply sad, angry or frustrated. Regulation is a learned process, one we integrate into our own lives by observing others and, importantly, through the attachment phases with our early caregivers.”
We start learning how to regulate our emotions, and the physical response that accompanies them, when we’re still in utero. That education continues with our closest people, for better or worse. For most of us it’s a mixed bag.
It’s common to have been raised in lineages that have both love and substantial, repeating ruptures that lead to compromised secure attachment and shared regulation.
As we reach adulthood and begin recognizing our emotional regulatory knowledge gaps, it becomes clear that learning the skills of regulation is something we can do for ourselves but not by ourselves. It’s often necessary to seek out trusted, qualified support to repair and deepen our capacity to regulate our emotions.
Needing help with this is the norm, not the exception!
Fetishizing regulation
It’s surprisingly easy to weaponize a concept like regulation without realizing we’re doing it. I’ve noticed that recently “regulated” is increasingly being used as shorthand to positively describe people who stay calm, relaxed or who appear to have their proverbial shit together.
In contrast, dysregulated is being used in place of words like frazzled, high-strung or crazy.
An added layer of complexity is that, more often than not, we target women, feminized and racialized people with words like dysregulated or crazy. The patriarchy likes nothing more than a well-behaved femme who can control (repress) their emotions while offering a soft place to land for others.
Our dominant culture favours a static emotional affect, a less messy demeanour. Given that, it makes sense that we fear emotionality and fetishize “regulation.” It’s important, however, to remember that being regulated doesn’t actually mean being calm and relaxed all the time any more than being dysregulated implies a perpetually emotional or irrational state.
Regulation is not a static state
Regulation has to do with our capacity to move between states.
It’s both normal and necessary to experience and process a wide range of emotions as we engage with the unavoidable ups and downs that life presents. Feeling this range and depth is not a sign of dysregulation.
It’s when we become stuck in those ups and downs that we’d describe someone’s nervous system as being dysregulated. Given our cultural norms around emotional expression, periods of dysregulation might lead us fall back on rigid patterns of self-control in an attempt to maintain our composure.
Dysregulation requires compassion, connection and often, supportive protection. While it happens to all of us, when people experience it more intensely or for longer periods of time, there is usually a good explanation. Dysregulation is not a pass for harmful behaviour, but it can explain why people—children and adults alike—sometimes lose access to their best behaviour.
Regulation for all
Learning about emotional regulation can be a gift we can give ourselves. For those of us who lead with dominant and privileged identities however, learning these skills is a crucial part of becoming a safer and more reliable person for others who have carried the burden of soothing and caretaking for too long.
Providing and receiving emotional regulation is a fundamental part of being human. The more we learn to cultivate and share our capacity to give and receive the healthier the collective becomes.
Want to learn how to feel more regulation in your system?
And experience first hand what healthy co-regulation feels like? This is something I do with my 1:1 somatic coaching clients.
If you’re curious, you can book a free, no-pressure call to see if we might be a good fit here.
